Life with Louie

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When we first started the blog back in 2010, I thought peregrination was the perfect word to describe how I wanted to travel and wander around the world - a journal of fun. I’ve always loved the idea of allowing life to bring us to unexpected places and experiences.  It seemed to provide perspective.  

I now think about the words long journey and period of wandering with a new sense of perspective.  It’s been 24 days since Louie came and left this world.  It feels more like months.  His death has changed the journey I was on and now I don’t know where I’ll end up.

Warren and I had one day in this life with Louie, but we’ll spend a lifetime loving and missing him.  I wanted to capture that day as part of our peregrination.

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Life with Louie
31 weeks into what we thought was a perfectly normal pregnancy, I found out suddenly that our baby would not survive.  The doctors found several abnormalities in his development (non-immune hydrops, kyphosis, among other issues).  They still don’t know a specific cause, but called it a genetic metabolic syndrome - nothing we could have anticipated.  When we learned of this tragic news, we received advice from two bereaved mothers to create as many memories as we could and to introduce him to family and friends.  It seemed counterintuitive at first -  to spend time with your child in the womb or after he’s passed, but I now see how precious that time was.  I will never get to make any new memories with Louie.

The night before Louie was born, we started to think about what life was like when I was pregnant - what I was craving (fruit & soup), what we had done, and where we had gone. We had a lot of fun and am glad that the little guy was with us during those adventures. I never really thought about preserving those events before, but now I'll take whatever I can get to remember that he was with us. We didn't know that we'd have so little time. 


We went to Hong Kong (top left) with our friends Brian, Sam + McNugget, and Jeff. We took an excursion to Tasmania (bottom left) and watched the Aussie Open (bottom right). We visited the beaches of Hawaii (middle), biked across the Golden Gate Bridge (bottom right), and ran across New Hampshire (top right).

During pregnancy, I had spent so much time worrying about the ways a baby would take away from my life.  I never imagined how much Louie would add to my life and fill my heart with so much love… even if I could only hold him for a day.

Louie was born on Sunday, March 16, 2014 @ 8:50 am.  My contractions started around 2 am earlier that morning.  I had an amniocentesis done on Saturday night, so thought the cramping or fake labor was the normal after effect.  By 5:30 am, I finally called the nurse to give me some painkillers to get some sleep. I’m anti-pain, pro-drugs.  

It had only been a few days since we learned anything was wrong and were adjusting to the news. No one expected me to go into labor so soon.  When the doctor came in to check, we were surprised to find out that I was 5 cm dilated.  They said it could take another 12-36 hours before delivery.  I had asked the nurse earlier if it’s ever too late to get an epidural and she said it shouldn’t be a problem.  By the time I was ready for the drugs, the anesthesiologist was with another patient and things moved too quickly for me. The little guy was going to come out au naturel.  Now that I’m writing the story, it’s part of a good narrative.  At the time, it was crazy unexpected and scary.

Louie arrived in the world after 30 minutes of pushing and what Warren considers "unnatural" yelling. I was nervous what it might feel like to hold a baby that would not live. Would he feel lifeless?  Would he look like Gollum because he was so little?  Would it feel weird to be so close to death? Would people think I was crazy for taking pictures with a dead baby? The minute they put him into my arms, my world changed forever and the questions faded. I wasn't worried about social norms around death.  Perhaps only the bereaved understand how natural it feels to stay close after a loved one has passed. I wasn't afraid of being near him. I only felt love. Some mothers might feel this when the baby is inside, but for me, it was different when I saw his face, smelled his hair, touched his fingers, and kissed his nose.

Sunday, March 16, 2014 was the happiest saddest day of my life.  Our friends and family came to meet Louie and we were able to video chat with others who were far away.  Warren and I got to be a family for 24 hours.  He sang to him.  I washed his hair.  We ate dinner.  All the little things become the big things. We will always remember our life with Louie.

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I’ve entered a new phase of this long journey. It's no longer just a journal of fun, but that's life.  The good and bad is woven together.  I feel a deep sadness that swallows every part of my body.  I wake up wondering if this really happened only to find a flabby, but empty belly.  I avoid life by sleeping or watching tv. It's all the energy I have right now.  I dream of the days when I will have a “packaged” story for the death of our son. But I am not there yet...wherever "there" is.