“Remember...Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
- Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption
For me, hope was the hardest thing to muster up after our Louie died in 2014. It felt like a luxury -- something that people with smooth and easy lives could count on. But not me. And probably not for the many others we know who have also had to bury their child — M&R, L&J, S&A, T&A, P&K, S&R, C&K, D&P, W, the G’s, the C’s. Just to name a few... After Louie came and went, I wasn’t sure I was ready to hope in anything. Maybe a solid online shopping bargain. Maybe a good parking spot in the city. But not anything of substance. And certainly not another child. Then we got pregnant. And 39 weeks later, she arrived.
When we finally announced her birth, the congratulations came pouring in - I could feel the large collective sigh of relief from our wide network of supporters, friends, and family. It felt like something miraculous had happened despite everything about the pregnancy was "medically routine”.
Even up to when she came out of the womb, some part of me held back — is this real? Does God really allow some kids to live? Am I dreaming? It’s no joke, that Melissa and I have to constantly check to see if she’s still breathing every few hours.
There’s a lot of new things about this season: diaper changes, sleep schedules, breast pumps, disability forms, paternity leave, a new chapter in our marriage — but the most foreign thing at all has been this sense of emerging hope. I can feel my heart opening up to the possibility that there are good things down the road (in this life).
When we arrived home with Alexis, I noticed that a new bloom sprouted in the peace lily plant we received last year. After Louie died, my workplace sent me this beautiful plant as a thoughtful condolence. For the past 18 months I’ve tried to water and take care of it -- although the plant stayed healthy and green, it never recovered its signature white blooms, that is, until the day we came home.
The plant was literally showing me "new life begins". And it was perhaps not a coincidence this happened from a plant connected to Louie. I'm still quite unsure where God is in the midst of grief and pain, but I will take this bloom as a divine sign that even in the midst of death, life can rise again.
One of our favorite movies is ‘Shawshank Redemption’ - and the quote at the top illustrates the persistence of hope for the protagonist, Andy Dufresne, who despite being wrongly sentenced to life in prison, continued to hold tightly to hope. He writes to his best friend, “Red”, reminding him that “hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Although Louie is gone, my hope to see him again someday and to cherish this new little one -- these are good hopes. And nobody can ever take that away from me.
