2 months: the luxury of delete

(Started @ 2 months, Posted @ 3 months)

Alexis is 2 months now and she's changed so much since her arrival.  We had her pediatric check up and she is a whopping 11 lbs 6.5 oz, a huge increase from her birth weight of 6 lbs 10.5 oz.  Life is really a miracle.

The other day, I caught myself in the mundane act of deleting iPhone pics.  And then I stopped - reflected for a moment - and realized how grateful I was.  I have an excess of memories with Lexi that I am willing to delete photos.  I've had the luxury to forget things about her already.  It's a weird feeling. 

I went back to my journal entries at 2 months after Louie died. 

Here is an excerpt from May 21, 2014 (2 months, 5 days) 

I miss Louie.  I miss not knowing exactly what he’d be like...all the details.  I wish I knew what foods would make him gassy or happy.  I miss not seeing him smile (or breathe) or even cry.  The little things that would make him only my son and no one else’s.  I wish that I knew a baby that didn’t feel like I didn’t know all of him.  I know that I loved him perfectly for his 2 minutes on this earth, but it’s so, so hard. It’s so, so sad.

As I think about Lexi's first two months, my heart is filled with more joy than I thought possible.  Throughout my grief journey, I wanted healing to be completely independent of another child.  I felt like it was an incomplete fix if I needed someone else to help with the pain.  But she's brought so much light into my life and my heart is healing in a new way.  I'm now lucky enough to add memories each day - enough memories that I'm willing to delete.  It feels like a luxury... because it is. That much I know in the deepest parts of my heart. 

The first two months after Louie died, I remember how hard it felt to breathe.  Grief is a physical journey, in addition to being an emotional one.  Over the last two months, I'm starting to feel like there's more oxygen in the air.  I'm sure it'll thin out again in the future, but I'll take some deep, grateful breaths for now. 

I decided to keep some of Lexi's "surplus" memories.  Outtakes below.