"Grief doesn't change you. It reveals you." - Wave of Light 2018

Dear friends and family, 

By now, you know that the Wave of Light is a tradition for our family to remember Louie and other little ones who are no longer with us.  We invite you to light a candle (or send "light" thoughts/prayers) from 7pm-8pm in your local time zone.  October 15 is infant & pregnancy loss remembrance day and observed through the international wave of light.  

These annual milestones remind me how much I still crave for Louie to "have space" in the world where he barely existed.  While I'm so thankful that my heart is full with our family on earth, I still yearn to have my full family here.   

I recently went to my 20th high school reunion over the weekend.  There were a few classmates that came up to me to share how they've been following our story through the years and have kept us in their thoughts and prayers.  I've always been touched how far kindness and love can travel.   It springs up in places, even when we are not completely aware of it.  It reminded me in a different way that my sweet son is getting his space through all the love, prayers, thoughts that have covered our family from near and far. 

One of the quotes that has stayed near me through this journey is from The Fault is in our Stars (a teeny bopper book that I unashamedly like). One of the main characters who suffers from cancer says that "Grief doesn't change you...it reveals you". 

Louie has revealed so much about a mother's love and strength to me.  Being a mother to a child who is no longer here is much more complex and heartbreaking, but I like that it changes over time.  Since I cannot make new memories, I can at least continue to learn and grow from our mother-son bond and learn to love others better.  

So tomorrow I will take that expanded heart and honor my little love.  I will send my biggest, warmest, brightest wishes to all the invisible babies and their families on this earth.  I hope that you will remember him too.  

I love you to the moon and back as long as I live

To my beloved Louie -
It's hard to know where to start these letters.  You would have been 4 this year.  Each one of your birthdays / anniversaries adds a new layer to our family life.

Recently, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

My sweet boy, I cannot change that you are not here. I also cannot change that I am not there.  And for a very long time, my only wish was for us to be in the same place.  In these four years, I've just started to accept that we cannot change our separation at this moment.

So what can I do?  I've found the courage to live here without you.  Your two little sisters have pulled me to the present.  I've found the courage to be happy.  I've found courage to dream of a family life of laughing, dancing, and even lightness.  I've found the courage to open my heart up again.

I want you to know that it's taken me some time to believe that living was not betrayal to your death. Perhaps that's where I'm leaning into the wisdom between change and acceptance.  So I continue to do my best to protect your place in our family and in our hearts.

Your dad found this heartbreakingly beautiful song and passed it along to me a few months ago.  The words spoke so deeply to me.

CHORUS:

I love you to the moon and back my little winterbear
I know you know how much that is because you are already there
I never knew a love like this could ever possibly exist
I love you to the moon and back as long as I live

For as long as I live, my sweet Louie, I remain a doting mother to my first-born son.  We miss you dearly, my little lobster.