"Take (him) to the moon for me"

We've spent 2 weeks with Lexi and her middle name Xia (霞), which means dawn or daybreak, certainly rings true.  Her healthy birth is our first light in the midst of a dark season.  There's no way to dim the hope and life that she brings into our home.

I wondered how I would feel when she arrived.  Aside from relief when I saw her breathe and heard her cry, I've been surprised by how I've experienced many normal "parent to a newborn" emotions...  I like to clarify that I'm not a "new parent".  I've felt tired, confused at the current day/time, overwhelmed at learning to breastfeed, amazed that she is her own little person.  These mundane feelings are such a privilege. 

In the midst of the chaos and joy, it's hard not to compare to the infinite details that we missed with our son.  Even in a few weeks, I know so much more about Alexis than her big brother.  She likes to lean to the right side, she snorts like a little piggy, she has an involuntary smile when her tummy is full, and she has bright wide eyes in the middle of the night when she believes it's time to play. 

Lexi's first non-hospital outing was to view the super moon lunar eclipse last night.  I often imagine what Louie would be like as an 18-month old toddler.  It's a futile wish... so instead I only hope that he knows how much he is loved and missed every day.  

We wanted to take you both to see the moon.   

Photo credit on the lunar eclipse: Jill Kou

My wish for Louie, wherever he is in this moment...

"Take (him) to the moon for me, ok?" - Bing Bong, Pixar's film Inside Out

And I believe that is Louie's wish for his little sister, Alexis...

From the Womb to the World...

We're thrilled to announce the birth of the newest member of our family, Alexis Yeh-Xia Chiang (姜業霞), our baby girl, born on Monday, September 14, 2015 at 3:13am at UCSF Mission Bay, weighing in at 6 lbs 10.5 oz.   

The name Alexis has the meaning of "defender" which is similar to the old English definition of "Warren".  Yeh (業) is a generational name for the Chiang family (not Melissa's "Yeh", but awesome that it sounds the same).  Xia (霞) can mean clouds referring to sunrises and sunsets or dawn.  We like this name because we think of our little one as a new season for our family.

After nearly three days (yikes) in the hospital, Alexis emerged -- eyes wide open, without much crying, with a full head of hair, and already with some devious facial expressions.

Her addition has been accompanied by much rejoicing (that she's finally here), deep relief (that she's alive and healthy), wonder (that life can come from life), but also the bittersweet recognition that our family remains incomplete with the absence of our firstborn, Louie.  We carry our son in our hearts, even as we carry our new daughter in our arms.  We hope you will be able to meet her soon!

Bracing for and embracing the future

We are scheduled for Lexi's induction sometime in the next 7 days.

My anxiety levels have been heightened as we are getting closer to her delivery.  After all, I've met many parents along the way who's beloved babies die in these final weeks in utero or first weeks outside.  I imagine once a parent has experienced this depth of loss, you no longer wonder "if it's possible" and just assume that it always is possible.  And we slowly wait for what is to come.

On Monday, we went to Skylawn to visit Louie's grave.  Parents always say that your heart is unlimited in expansion for children and I have no doubt that it will in our case.  You can hold one in your heart and one in your arms.  Yet we have experienced so many invisible pains of loving a child who is not here - one where we have no memories or unique stories to tell.

What happens when the visible outweighs the invisible?

Will Alexis hold a space in her heart for her older brother?  How many times will I hear about how there are "only girls around" when out & about with friends?  And how many shocked looks will I get when I am comfortable in daily conversation about death?  I suppose we continue on our grief journey and stumble through.

In the next few days, we will embrace the hopefully healthy new addition to the Yeh-Chiang family while we continue to brace for a incomplete family life here without her big brother.

Lexi's first custom outfit from Aunt Jin.