My anxiety levels have been heightened as we are getting closer to her delivery. After all, I've met many parents along the way who's beloved babies die in these final weeks in utero or first weeks outside. I imagine once a parent has experienced this depth of loss, you no longer wonder "if it's possible" and just assume that it always is possible. And we slowly wait for what is to come.
On Monday, we went to Skylawn to visit Louie's grave. Parents always say that your heart is unlimited in expansion for children and I have no doubt that it will in our case. You can hold one in your heart and one in your arms. Yet we have experienced so many invisible pains of loving a child who is not here - one where we have no memories or unique stories to tell.
What happens when the visible outweighs the invisible?
Will Alexis hold a space in her heart for her older brother? How many times will I hear about how there are "only girls around" when out & about with friends? And how many shocked looks will I get when I am comfortable in daily conversation about death? I suppose we continue on our grief journey and stumble through.
In the next few days, we will embrace the hopefully healthy new addition to the Yeh-Chiang family while we continue to brace for a incomplete family life here without her big brother.
Lexi's first custom outfit from Aunt Jin.
Praying for you that Lexi's birth would usher in a season of new life for you, both literally and figuratively. Also, praying for his kindness and gentleness with your traumatized, weary emotions. Lots of love! :)Ellie
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