Love Undiminished by Adversity

Dear Louie,

10 years... I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since you’ve been gone. As I’ve been thinking about this milestone, it led me to reflect about the early days after your death. During that first year, I got a Celtic motherhood knot memorial tattoo for you. And I still appreciate its permanence. After getting that tattoo for you, I went back a few months later and got one for me. I chose a dogwood mandala because the meaning of this flower/tree is “love undiminished by adversity”. 

When I chose the dogwood at the time, it was more a hope in the future versus what I expected. It was a choice and not a feeling. It was a promise to try, not confidence that it would be true. And the adversity to come was unknown at the time and there was indeed more: I would have an early miscarriage after your death, your grandmother would pass away too soon from cancer, and there would (and will) be many types of losses and adversity to come. 

Lexi with Nai Nai - Dec 2015

What I want to tell you is that you, my little/big lobster, have helped me to learn that love is bigger than death. That somehow love can expand in the depths of sorrow and in the chamber of exquisite sadness. That love can rebuild from the shattered pieces of a broken heart.  And that love (and life) can indeed be undiminished by adversity. 

Louie, we are going on a big family adventure this year.  This summer, we’re moving to Taiwan to experience life on the other side of the world – outside of our well-established family rhythm.  There’s excitement, there’s trepidation, there’s… hot weather, where we do NOT thrive.  But I’m not afraid to take a risk. I’m not afraid of a non-linear life. I’m not afraid to hope for memories that stretch our imagination. 

Oh how I wish you were here to go on our family adventure - to choose a place to visit - to laugh, to complain, to live. I hope you know how much you are missed.  And while I ache for you, I also hold gratitude that you’ve taught me just how big love can be.

Happy 10th birthday in the sky. Your sisters are planning to draw a birthday card, pick out flowers for your grave, and eat some cake in honor of you. We love you and miss you always. 

Mom