5 Years of Making Space and Silver Linings

When my son Louie was born 5 years ago and drifted away shortly thereafter to the arms of God, there were a host of existential and spiritual questions that plagued me for the months and years to come.  Did this really just happen?  Why did God see fit to have my son live just long enough to be born?  Why was this happening to us?  Why did other people seem to have it much easier?  What was the purpose in all of this?  

From many well-intentioned friends and family there was a familiar refrain encouraging us to move on, focus on the positive, try to have the next child, and to trust God’s plan.  It was truly hard to listen to some of that at the time.

One of the challenges of having a child who is no longer here, is the utter invisibility of it. People commonly ask how many children we have and I still struggle with how to answer.  I wish there was a less awkward way to give my son enough space in the world which he left so quickly.  (Dead kids aren’t a whole lot of fun to talk about at dinner parties).

The reality is that despite my strong allergic reaction to talking about “silver linings” in difficult things, I must acknowledge that having Louie and then saying goodbye so soon produced incredibly precious things — a mysterious healing in my marriage, a level of gratitude for my daughters that I cannot explain otherwise, more grace for others.  It’s not an exaggeration to say I’m a better husband, father, and friend.

In addition, there is currently a deep well producing clean water for a village of people we may never meet with Louie’s name inscribed on it and a Peruvian boy who turned 5 today whom we sponsored because he shares the same birthday as Louie.  A whole community and a young boy will eat, learn, and live a bit easier for many years directly because of our desire to give our son some more space in the world.

No amount of growth and impact justifies the loss - those calculations don’t make sense in this life.  But I have spent the last five years doing my best to accept Louie’s precious place in my life — and by protecting and keeping space for him, I’ve been able to see good things grow from poisoned soil, beauty emerge from ashes, and life resurrected from death.  I will accept such gains as a small reminder that death does not have the final say in this life -- that love actually has the last word.  

Happy Birthday, my little guy.  I'll be seeing you soon.

Love,

Dad