It's a world of laughter, A world of tears

My dear Louie,
I write to you on what would have been your 5th birthday.  As March 16 approaches each year, I wonder what emotions the next year will bring as I reflect on yet another year without you.

I want to tell you about the story of how my longing for you recently bubbled to the surface in our first family trip to the "happiest place on earth".  There was so much irony to that moment as grief has often forced me to be in two places at once.

We were walking from the perfectly optimized parking lot of Mickey & Friends to the tram.  Once I heard the Disney music sing through air, this extraordinary ordinary family moment of walking from the parking lot suddenly made your absence so palpable that it brought me to tears.  Your little sister, L, skipped to the tram (no surprise as she's been practicing that skill) and your baby sister, E, insisted on using her 17-month old style of waddling/walking. Oh - how I wondered how you would have approached the entrance.  Would you have run towards the train?  Would you have been brave to meet the characters?  Would you have danced to some familiar and never-ending tunes?

These days, the pangs of sadness seem to come out of family experiences where the triggers have yet to be tripped.  They happen when we go to a place or try out an activity for the first time.

Our first ride at Disneyland was "It's a Small World".  While I've heard the song a million times, I never listened closely to the words.

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

Through the last 5 years, we've experienced all of those emotions and journeyed with so many along the way.

I recently became a facilitator for HAND (Helping After NeoNatal Death), which is the support group that we joined shortly after your death.  Each time I facilitate a meeting, I get to share the story of you and us.  It's lovely to have a place to share where you always belong.  I am awaiting the time when we get to create a family memory where we are all together.

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means friendship
to everyone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all