It's hard to know where to start these letters. You would have been 4 this year. Each one of your birthdays / anniversaries adds a new layer to our family life.
Recently, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.My sweet boy, I cannot change that you are not here. I also cannot change that I am not there. And for a very long time, my only wish was for us to be in the same place. In these four years, I've just started to accept that we cannot change our separation at this moment.
So what can I do? I've found the courage to live here without you. Your two little sisters have pulled me to the present. I've found the courage to be happy. I've found courage to dream of a family life of laughing, dancing, and even lightness. I've found the courage to open my heart up again.
I want you to know that it's taken me some time to believe that living was not betrayal to your death. Perhaps that's where I'm leaning into the wisdom between change and acceptance. So I continue to do my best to protect your place in our family and in our hearts.
Your dad found this heartbreakingly beautiful song and passed it along to me a few months ago. The words spoke so deeply to me.
CHORUS:
I love you to the moon and back my little winterbear
I know you know how much that is because you are already there
I never knew a love like this could ever possibly exist
I love you to the moon and back as long as I live
For as long as I live, my sweet Louie, I remain a doting mother to my first-born son. We miss you dearly, my little lobster.
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