Grandma's Red Cape

One of Alexis' favorite books is a Chinese one we got from a local non-profit, Tandem, which promotes early reading.  When she turned 18 months, this became her favorite book.  Several of her first words were learned as we read through the book -- like 停 (stop) and 跳 (dance).  I love this book because the basic story is about a father who takes his son to visit grandma who lives in the big city.  

At first he is scared and apprehensive about it, but with some encouragement and with the protection of a red cape she gives him, he learns to have fun and trust his grandmother as she takes him on excursions through the city.




This is particularly meaningful to me because I live with two aching losses in my heart -- my son I lost in 2014 and my mother in 2016.  When I read the story, it reminds me of what would have been a likely situation - dropping off my son to spend time with my mother.  I can imagine his apprehension at being somewhere strange and unfamiliar.  I can imagine her knitting a cape for him and feeding him snacks. I can see him dancing to music, I can see her taking him on many adventures.






When I read this story to Lexi, it's as if I'm telling her about a world that exists parallel to our own - like a window into heaven.  

Someday I will have a better way to explain to Alexis how she isn't our first child, and that she had a grandmother who loved her very much (and is similar to her in so many ways).  But for now, we read this simple story, and she calls the boy in the story, "ge-ge" (older brother) and the woman "nai-nai" (dad's mother), and I get to think about the loves in my life I have lost.  And then I proceed to hold my daughter a bit tighter.

From this survivor to the next

The last time I donated my hair, I was pregnant with Louie in 2013.  It’s hard to imagine the years I’ve lived since then.  The growth reminds me that time does not stop for anyone and we’re forced to move forward.  I wouldn’t have been able to imagine the picture of my life today during the early days, but here I am.  

If these ponytails could share memories, they would talk about the despair of burying my son, my mother-in-law, and my grandfather.  They would tell of times when I used them to wipe away my tears or could barely get out of bed to wash them.  If my hair could show you my emotions, it would also show the delight I experience from any number of Lexi’s latest antics or the peace that I feel when I'm next to the ocean.  But mostly, the distance between the top and bottom of my hair would include the spectrum of memories in between.  

In most ways, I still feel like an invisible bereaved mom who never gets to make new memories with her first born child, the one who doesn’t know how to answer how many children I have, and the mom who has spent more time in a cemetery than a school.  While those statements are still true, it’s not my only identity as a mom anymore.  I am also a mom to a #bossbaby who lights up a room and an expecting mom who is creating a home for another life to (hopefully) join our family in October. Our hair keeps growing, our lungs keep breathing, and our heart keeps pumping even when we feel like our world has stopped. And for that, I am grateful.

When Louie died on March 16, 2014, I wanted to die with him. For months, that was my daily wish and prayer. And yet, in the years since, I have learned that my next wish is to honor him through living.  These long strands for donation are a reminder that love endures in many forms.

Pantene Beautiful Lengths is an organization that makes real-hair wigs for women who are battling cancer. May this small donation bring love, perseverance, and a hope for the future from this survivor to the next in loving memory of Marilyn Chiang who lost her fight to cancer, but never stopped fighting...

Because of you...

Dear Louie,

You would have turned 3 this year...(deep breath).

Time is a weird thing.  It's both been a slow and fast few years.  My grief feels like it has gone through the stages of a child growing: first, I was barely able to hold up my head with the heavy despair, then I learned to sit and keep my balance of life and death, and eventually started to slowly crawl while carrying the weight of loss and love.  Today I can walk with you in my heart and know that the way that you transformed me will continue to shape me for the rest of my life.

Because of you, I choose to love more, not fear the loss of love.  When I miss you so much I can feel it in my bones,  I choose to experience the depths of sorrow, so I can also experience the peaks of joy.  When I worry that you will be forgotten, I choose to honor your life with gratitude for the mundane moments rather than retract into a shelter of numbness.  When I don't know how I survived, I will choose to hope in a life of brightness, not darkness.

For your birthday this year, your Dad and I are volunteering with Tandem Bay Area.  Honestly, it's hard to know how to celebrate, so we're trying it out this year.  As with all things, I want to iterate and figure out how to make your birthday work for us.  And we will continue to find ways to create traditions to honor your place in our family.

With your little sister running around, I often look at rambunctious little boys and wonder if you would have been like that. We'll never know, my sweet boy, as your 3-year old version can only exist in my heart and imagination.  What I do know is that your little life will always have a big impact.

On days like your birthday, I remember this poem that was shared with me right after you left us.

Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. 

I miss you and love you every day, little buddy.  I look forward to the day when we will see each other again.

Love,
Mom

Wave of Light 2016

Dear friends and family, 

It's that time of year again. In remembrance of our beloved Louie, we're inviting you to light a candle (or send "light" thoughts/prayers) from 7pm-8pm in your local time zone.  October 15 is infant & pregnancy loss remembrance day and observed through the international wave of light.  

It's hard to believe that this will be our 3rd Wave of Light since the darkest days of Mar 2014.  We have met many more parents along the way who are also forced on this journey of grief and loss. While we are no longer in the early, raw days, we are grateful that you continue to walk with us.  Death is an awkward and lonely experience and yet we know there are so many who surround us. 

As some of you who might know, Louie's "spirit animal" is the lobster. It came from his nickname in utero. Little did we know that we'd hold on to every little memory (even the ones that were supposed to be temporary).  

Here's Alexis holding her little lobster in honor of big brother.  Thanks for remembering our little guy with us tomorrow.  We miss him every day. 

$1 for Alexis's 1st birthday

Our little Alexis is turning 1 on Sept 14.  We are so grateful for her every day and cherish her as the "dawn" that came after the darkness.  She's the brightest of lights.  I mean...look at this face!!!

We wanted to celebrate her 1st year and my 37th with a joint September birthday campaign for access to clean water. This isn't the first time we've raised money for water and it's unlikely the last.  This issue has been near and dear to my heart as it's such a basic need and disproportionately impacts women and children. 

In lieu of any 1st year gifts, we're inviting friends and family to donate $1 to Charity Water (100% of donations go directly to the water project).  Big brother, Louie, has a well in Ethiopia in his honor and we're excited to celebrate Lexi's big birthday milestone in a similar way.  

We'll be MATCHING donations dollar for dollar up to our goal. 

Our 3 goals:

• $3701 (37 years for me and 1 for Lexi)
• 75 friends donating
• 1 pay-it-forward campaign: donating your birthdays to the team

Click here to donate.  

Love,

Yeh-Chiang Gang

Visiting Home Away from Home

We recently came back from a summer vacation to Boston & New Haven.  While the destinations may seem ordinary compared to our other travel stories, a "normal" visit feels welcome given our recent months and years. 

Here are some of our East Coast highlights:

Meeting Emma & Maddie!  

Lobster bake with a toast to Louie

(old Trowbridge roommies reunited)

July 4th in Boston: I love everything about it - the bbqs, the Pops, the walk along Mass Ave with the crowds, the fireworks, the river. 

(Uncle Jeff and his captive audience)

Life is starting to feel "normal" again and a more familiar self is coming back with it.  I have the emotional bandwidth to do more than survive and it feels really good.  

We have made it past a few milestones since W's mom passed away (her birthday, W's birthday, Mother's Day, etc.)  The first year is the hardest as there are there are so many unexpected (and expected) grief triggers.  

As we've continue to process our losses and hear about recent, crazy tragedies as a nation, I'm grateful for a bit of ordinary.  

A bedtime story for Louie

Happy 2nd birthday! I miss you every day, little buddy. Just as expected for the first-born, you now have to share my time with your younger sister and we've learned to adjust to new family dynamics.  Sometimes the world doesn't understand what it's like to balance loving 2 children, when one is no longer here. But I think it's just like how everyone does parenting to 2 living children...you make it up as you go along. I will always try my best in loving you.

Lately at home, we read bedtime stories at night as a routine before sleeping. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. When I didn't know the exact words to share for your birthday, I remembered a book that your aunt & uncle gave me.

This bedtime story belongs to you. Sleep peacefully, my love. 

 

---

Wherever you go, my love will find you

By Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you ever will know

so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It’s high as you wish it. It’s quick as an elf.

You’ll never outgrow it…it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain… climb up to the sky!

My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!

My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends…

if you’re working… or playing… or sitting with friends.

You can dance ’til you’re dizzy… paint ’til you’re blue…

There’s no place, not one, that my love can’t find you.

And if someday you’re lonely, or someday you’re sad,

or you strike out at baseball, or think you’ve been bad…

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass…in the smell of the sea…

in the clouds floating by…at the top of a tree…

in the sound crickets make at the end of the day…

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved,” they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep,

it’s always right there, even when you’re asleep.

So hold your head high and don’t be afraid

to march to the front of your own parade.

If you’re still my small babe or you’re all the way grown,

my promise to you is you’re never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star…

and my love will find you, wherever you are.

You are loved.